This story comes from England. People told it many ways, and about 600 years ago, Geoffrey Chaucer wrote it down. Back then, English looked really different, so I’ve re-written it for you.
Once upon a time there lived a wild young woman named Alisoun. The townspeople said her breath smelled of honeyed apples. She was full of joy and energy, and loved to sing, dance, and play. Her favourite playmate was Handy Nicholas, who rented a room in her house. Nicholas was a university student, spending many hours in his room learning all about the stars and planets. He too, had a lovely singing voice, and Alisoun would often meet him so they could sing, dance, and kiss together.
Many other young men in the town wanted to be with Alisoun. One of them was Absalom. He could play guitar (it was a very musical town). Absalom was very beautiful, but also very timid. He wanted to woo Alisoun, but was afraid to try. One day, Absalom decided to call on Alisoun very early in the morning, even before the sun was up. He stood under her window and played a sad song. Alisoun was not happy: she and Nicholas were curled up, happily asleep. When Absalom’s song woke her, she grumpily said:
“Go away, noisemaker. It’s too early!”
Absalom switched to a love song. Again, Alisoun said:
“I want to sleep!”
Absalom, who was awkward and did not know how to take ‘no’ for an answer, said:
“If you give me a kiss, I will go.”
Alisoun winked at Nicholas and whispered: watch me play a trick on this noisy man. She then said to Absalom:
“Very well: I will give you a kiss. Reach up, and my lips will be waiting for yours. But hurry!”
Absalom was very excited, and did as Alisoun asked. But it was still before sunrise, and the night was very dark. So Absalom did not see wild Alisoun’s trick: she turned around and hung her bum out the window! When he kissed her, he thought:
‘this does not smell like honey or apples!’
Absalom then realised what Alisoun had done. He was furious, and wanted revenge. He ran to the town forge, and banging on the door, woke the smith, who was a friend of his. Absalom asked to borrow one of the hot irons from the coalfire, and with a vengeful grin made his way back to Alisoun’s house. There he stood under the window again, and called up:
“Thank you for the kiss, Alisoun. I have brought you a gold ring in thanks. May I give it to you?”
This time Nicholas winked at Alisoun. She understood immediately and said:
“How about another kiss first? I will lean out the window again!” But this time, it was Nicholas who hung his bum out the window. Absalom was thrilled. He thought his plan was going to work. He said:
“It is dark, Alisoun. Please speak, so I might know where to put my warm kiss.”
Nicholas didn’t speak, but he let out a thunderous fart! Hearing it, Absalom reached up with the iron and branded Nicholas right on the bum!
How’s that for a warm kiss?