Pan’s Bum and Shouty Parents – a mixture of Greek stories, retold.
In ancient Greece, people worshipped gods and goddesses who looked a lot like humans. Sometimes though, these deities had one animal quality, like horns, wings, or tails. This tale is about Pan, who had goat’s feet.
One age and one era ago, high up in the land of Arcadia, lived the shepherd god Pan. He spent his days playing his pan flute, tending to his flocks, and wandering in the mountains and forests (those goat’s feet came in handy). One day the goddess Artemis came to Arcadia to hunt. As always, she had with her several nymphs, and it was one of these nymphs Pan had a crush on. Her name was Pitys. Pan decided to ask Artemis for advice on how to woo Pitys. Artemis told him that Pitys was a fan of gentle, sweet music. The best player of this music was Artemis’ brother, Apollo, who was also the Greeks’ sun god.
“If you like, I could arrange a musical contest between you and my brother,” she told Pan, “if you were to defeat him by playing more beautifully, maybe Pitys would have eyes (and ears) for you.”
Pan eagerly accepted the offer.
Apollo lived at the top of Mount Olympus with his father Zeus and stepmother Hera. Artemis shouted up to Apollo, inviting him down for the contest. When they heard Artemis, Zeus and Hera, like many parents, called down:
“Stop all that shouting!”
Apollo came down anyway, on a gleaming chariot, and carrying a golden harp. Some of Artemis’ nymphs said they could already hear the faint sounds of music as the wind blew across its strings.
When the contest started, Pan went first. He took a deep breath and blew confidently into his pipes. But he had made a dreadful mistake: the pipes were upside-down! The only sound to come out of them was that of a loud, terrible fart! Zeus and Hera, up on Mt. Olympus again called down:
“Turn off that racket!”
Next, it was Apollo’s turn. He gracefully lifted his harp, and as his fingers strummed the strings, the song that came out was Pitys’ favourite melody. It floated across the mountainside. All the nymphs swooned, two squealed, and several readied their autograph books. Long before Apollo’s song was over, everyone knew he had won the contest. Pitys was happy: she would be able to stay with Artemis. Pan wished her well even though he would miss her.
After his song was over, Apollo playfully said to Pan:
“next time you make music, try to not make it sound like a butt.”
“A butt like this?” replied Pan. He spun around, bent over, and dropped his pants, showing Apollo his big, white, moon of a bum. This surprised Apollo and made him laugh and laugh. The god’s laughter was so loud it shook the whole country. High up on Olympus, Zeus and Hera boomed back:
“Apollo, we told you to BE QUIET!”
The godly parents then came down and decreed that as punishment for making too much noise, Apollo would from then on have to share his title of ‘best musician’ with Pan.
And that is how Pan used his bum to become Apollo’s equal.